“There are no positives” is a myth
A lot of the time someone who is always able to “look on the brightside” may not have had something that really challenged this ability - think terminal illness, death of an immediate family member, spinal or brain injuries, house burning down and losing everything etc NOT getting fired, crashing their car, scammed out of $5,000..
I was a full time carer for my mum and saw her go from a “normal” adult working everyday, doing the housework, going to the gym and everything in between to someone who could only move her eyes which is how she would communicate with others all within the span of 3 years. I would say this is a genuine life challenge so I feel I'm able to shed some light on the “positive thinking” issue.
The myth
Normally when people say “think of the positives” to others who are going through a hard time they get a reply of “THERE ARE NO POSITIVES!” I don't believe this, I believe that EVERY event in the world is balanced. This means that there are just as many positives to a situation as there are negatives and vice versa EVEN if they are not seen right away, the faster you can see and accept these the faster you can be okay with what has happened.
The “positive scale”
People will often negate a positive because of how small the positive or benefit is. Say we have a rating on a scale where 10 is a big positive and 1 is a small positive. If your mum were to pass away but you inherited 100 million tax free dollars this would most likely be a 10 on the “positive scale” and if you were to have also inherited a matching king sized quilt & pillow cover set it would probably rate as a 1 on the scale. This can also be flipped where a positive situation has big and small negatives that come with it, for now I want to focus on the positive scale.
Where people go wrong
I’m guilty of this but when I noticed it, it completely changed the way I was able to accept situations.
The first is
Just because the positive came from a negative situation doesn’t mean it wasn’t a positive.
This is so important because in the example above the argument may be “I don’t care if i get 100 million dollars, i would pick having my mum alive over that” and while that is 100% true it does not change the real world situation which is, she has passed and you got an inheritance.
The second is
A positive is a positive no matter how small it is.
Just like in the situation above, getting a matching king size quilt & pillow cover set may not really be something you wanted BUT say you sell it for $50 or donate it to those in need, suddenly it may become a VERY small positive that came from the event. Again this positive may not justify losing your mum but it is important to be aware of ALL the positives no matter how big or small they are.
1+1=0
For every negative there is a positive and for every positive there is a negative, when you are able to identify all of these the positives will balance out the negatives and create a balance.
1 positive + 1 negative = balance (0).
Example from losing my mum
I feel I have a bit of experience in dealing with challenging events and believe examples can be really helpful in getting your mind thinking.
Some of the positives I identified from my mum
- We developed a much deeper, stronger and better connection
- I had to learn new skills that she use to do
(dinners, cleaning, bills, bpay etc) - I got to see a completely new side to life
- I gained a new appreciation for each day
- Her poor health pushed me to make a big change in my own health (running, lifting, diet)
- It lead me to running an ultra marathon and raise of $10,000 for charity
- As she was home 24/7 with me, she got to watch me grow and develop as an adult more
- Being her full time carer it gave me a wage
- It lead me to start a business with a mission to bring awareness to a disease that's overlooked
- After she passed it meant i didn’t get woken up to help her in the middle of the night
- I was also able to leave the house without worrying about her safety
- I didn’t have to watch her suffer anymore
- I was able to show to myself when needed I can step up and do what's needed
- Maybe the most valuable of all she taught me a whole new way of thinking about life
Again I would rather her have never gotten sick and still be with us but unfortunately that isn’t reality. I could sit here and either dwell on the negatives but I felt it much more productive to balance out the situation so I'm able to reflect back on what has happened with love, gratitude and thanks that it happened. I do REALLY believe in allowing time to grieve when a significant event has happened but also feel that giving into this too much for too long can keep you in a real bad spot, causing more suffering than needed.
